Is It Necessary to Forgive a Narcissist?

In this episode, Corissa, your host, explores the complex relationship between forgiveness and narcissism. She discusses the importance of understanding forgiveness as a personal choice and practice, emphasizing that it is ultimately for one's own healing. The conversation delves into the necessity of compassion, both for oneself and for those who have caused harm, particularly narcissists. Corissa highlights the significance of self-forgiveness and empowerment in breaking free from victimhood and reclaiming one's worth. The episode concludes with a call for community engagement and collaboration in the healing journey.

Key takeaways

• Forgiveness is a personal choice and practice.
• Compassion for oneself and others is essential for healing.
• Understanding the wounds of narcissists can foster compassion.
• Self-forgiveness is crucial for moving forward.
• Holding onto resentment harms your well-being.
• Forgiveness allows for the release of negative emotions.
• Setting boundaries is vital in relationships with narcissists.
• Empowerment comes from self-acceptance and self-love.
• Community support enhances the healing process.
• Engaging in conversations about healing is important.

Chapters

00:00
Embracing New Beginnings for 2025

01:54
The Complexity of Forgiveness in Narcissistic Relationships

07:12
Understanding Narcissism Through Compassion

12:02
The Journey to Self-Forgiveness

15:09
Empowerment Through Boundaries and Forgiveness

________________________

Corissa is a Holistic Trauma-Informed Coach & Narcissistic Abuse Specialist™ who empowers women after they’ve endured narcissist trauma to rediscover who they are, reclaim their power, and find the clarity and courage to move forward and live a life they love. Corissa is also a recovering people-pleaser and codependent who has endured way too many narcissistic relationships to count! She coaches not only from her knowledge and training but also from the wisdom she has gained from her own healing journey.

Book a FREE 30-min Clarity Call HERE.

Ways to connect with Corissa:

Podcast Website
Website: www.corissastepp.com
Book: The Savvy Girl's Guide to Thriving Beyond Narcissistic Abuse
Instagram: @corissastepp
Facebook: Corissa Stepp
Free Quiz: Is My Partner a Narcissist?

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Transcript

Corissa Stepp (00:01.858)
Hey, hey everyone. It has been a hot minute since I recorded an episode.  I'm beginning to think about this podcast and where I want it to go next and what the next season is going to look like. Still kind of figuring that all out, but in the meantime, I really wanted to put out this episode because

I was given something to respond to and if you are familiar with human design, am a generator and I'm here to respond to things. So as a result, I am going to sort of riff on some content that I came across while scrolling social media this weekend on a well-known figure in the world of narcissism who often speaks a lot about narcissism and narcissistic abuse and whatnot.

And there was something that she was saying in this interview that really kind of, I don't want say triggered me, but definitely brought up some feelings of discomfort and also made me

take an opposite perspective or what it was was basically her perspective was very much in opposition to how I feel. And I thought I'd take a chance here and just kind of share this with you. So this conversation was with this well-known figure having a conversation talking about forgiveness when it comes to a narcissist. And she very vehemently and

Corissa Stepp (02:12.022)
emphatically said that she would never, ever forgive some of these narcissists in her life, the ones that she has cut all contact with.

She went on to say that she doesn't believe that forgiveness is something that is necessary. Now listen, when I talk with my clients about forgiveness, I tell them that it's obviously their choice, right? I will never sit here and tell anyone that they have to forgive anyone for anything, okay? Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is a practice. Forgiveness, I strongly believe, and I know that this is a bit cliche,

I do believe that forgiveness is for you, right? It's for us, it's for me, if I am the person forgiving someone else. That doesn't mean that if I forgive someone that I'm going to forget what it was that they did. That doesn't mean that I am saying that what they did was acceptable or okay with me necessarily. It's an acknowledgement.

Forgiveness is the understanding that another person was acting from a place that maybe wasn't in alignment with who they truly are at their core, right? That they acted out of turn, that they maybe reacted from an emotional place, from a dysregulated place. Now we know that with a narcissist, a lot of their behavior comes from

these deep wounds that they carry, these deep insecurities that they hold. They are often emotionally dysregulated. All of their behavior is an attempt to either mask those deep insecurities, to avoid feeling the wounds, right? The deep pain of the wounds that they hold, and to prevent you from seeing who they really are because they don't truly believe

Corissa Stepp (04:23.064)
that they are more important or more special or more worthy in any kind of way. Now they may not consciously be aware of that, right? Consciously they might believe that they are, but again, these are constructs that they have developed as a way to keep themselves safe. And if we look at them through the lens of compassion, of seeing that we are perhaps all

acting from our wounds. We are all acting from a place of perhaps deep insecurity. We are all acting from a fear that we are not enough. That is a core wound most of us hold. We all want to belong. We all want to believe that we are enough, that we are worthy, that we are valuable, that we are important, that we are lovable. And so does the narcissist.

So when they act out in a way where they're harming and hurting other people.

A lot of times I don't even believe that they are intentionally doing that. I don't know that they're intentionally doing that. Some types of narcissists might be, okay, they might be very malignant or sadistic or sociopathic in their nature. And as a result, they might be acting with intention to harm or to hurt.

But a lot of times, narcissists, as we know, don't have that self-awareness. They don't understand that what they are doing is hurting other people, which is why they continue to repeat the behaviors over and over and over again. Because in order to change a behavior, you have to have awareness that it is happening to begin with. You need to be able to acknowledge and accept that it's actually happening and that the implications or the repercussions of those behaviors are hurting other people. Narcissists don't have that capability.

Corissa Stepp (06:18.092)
Okay. And that in and of itself, that lack of self-awareness is a defensive, protective mechanism.

So it's really hard for them to be able to.

get around that because they've spent their whole lives trying to avoid anyone from seeing who they truly are, including themselves. Because that deep wound of I am not enough or I am not lovable or I am not important or I am not valuable runs so deep to their core. has literally injured, right? We talk about narcissistic injury. It has injured their sense of self.

They don't have a clear sense of self, only the self image that they are trying to protect or the self image that they have created that they are then trying to protect. So.

Here's where my feathers got a little ruffled, okay? She was saying that.

Corissa Stepp (07:25.762)
Forgiveness is not something that we need to extend to a narcissist. Now I understand that and I agree with that. And a lot of us as we're going through our healing process, very early on, the last thing we are going to do is forgive the narcissist. We are so wrapped up in our anger, in our resentment, in our hurt, that it's very hard to be able to look at the narcissist with compassion.

That doesn't come until much later. And that's why when you come at this with a more trauma-informed lens of understanding how their childhood trauma or even their relational trauma has led the narcissist to become who they are, we can see them with compassion that they are just a human being trying to get their needs for love and connection and safety met.

and sadly they are doing it in a way that is hurting other people whether or not they are consciously aware of it.

Corissa Stepp (08:32.92)
So here's the thing.

If we can't view others with compassion, if there is an unwillingness to do that, it likely comes from a place of not being able to offer yourself self-compassion. Because when we are judging everyone around us, what it's doing, number one, it's distracting us away from ourselves. And in order to heal from narcissistic abuse, we actually need to go inwards. We need to turn inwards and understand

why we got into these relationships, how we got entangled in them to begin with, what are our behavioral patterns, what are our protective coping mechanisms and defense strategies that we are employing that leave us susceptible to these relationships. So there comes a point where we need to actually practice

Self-Forgiveness.

Corissa Stepp (09:30.488)
So many of my clients come to me and they're like, I can't believe I didn't see the sign sooner. And they are beating themselves up over and over and over again for how come I didn't see it sooner? Or I saw it and I still didn't get out of the relationship and they're still beating themselves up over it, right? They're still judging and criticizing.

we get into the relationships because we do have a really loud inner critic to begin with. And the voice sometimes of the narcissist who is belittling and criticizing us sometimes is just as loud, maybe louder or maybe even quieter than our own internal inner critic. And that's why we tolerate the verbal and emotional abuse is because we're used to talking to ourselves that way. So someone else talking to us that way just validates and confirms

this negative self-belief that we hold about ourselves.

So when we learn to forgive ourselves for beating ourselves up, for treating ourselves without compassion.

Corissa Stepp (10:33.129)
then perhaps maybe we can forgive someone else for treating us the same way because in effect we allowed them to. That's not saying we caused them or that we deserve to be treated that way because listen you don't deserve to be spoken to the way your inner critic is talking to you either but you permit it and every time you listen to it you're permitting it more and more.

Corissa Stepp (10:59.832)
So in the relationship, especially if it was a long standing relationship, you tolerated that abuse for much longer than you deserved to, right? And the only reason why you stopped tolerating it at some point was because you either had an experience where you woke up and realize, holy crap.

I don't deserve this anymore or I'm so unhappy and I can only point the finger at this other person that I'm in a relationship with who is making me so unhappy, right? We start to blame the other person. So this is the thing. When we cannot forgive someone else, it's often because we are still stuck in a place of victimhood. It means we are still stuck in the blaming of someone else. Because if we're blaming someone else actively, we're not in a place of forgiveness.

That's a disempowered state. If we look at the Karpman drama triangle, right, we have the victim, we have the rescuer, we have the perpetrator.

If you're sitting in that victim role.

You're in a disempowered position.

Corissa Stepp (12:12.426)
The only way to empower yourself to move forward is to eventually get to a place of radical number one self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-love.

and then being able to accept others for who they are. And that does mean accepting the narcissist for who they are. That doesn't mean tolerating it. That just means recognizing that they are who they are and they are not likely going to change. And then making a decision from a place of deep self-love.

Corissa Stepp (12:50.391)
of

solid footing, right, of a foundation of self-worth of knowing that you deserve way more than what they are able to offer or way more than the dynamics that you were experiencing in that toxic relationship, right? You deserve more than the breadcrumbs you were getting.

Corissa Stepp (13:13.592)
So when we are able to accept ourselves, we're able to then accept others for who they are as well, and hopefully see them with a little bit of compassion.

Corissa Stepp (13:27.308)
When we forgive someone, right, we are letting go of the resentment.

because in order to forgive someone, you have to release the resentment over the infractions that they incurred against you, the things that they did that hurt you.

So if you want to live your life not forgiving the narcissist, then you are setting yourself up for a life of holding resentment. And guess what that does to your body? Nothing good. Holding on to that anger, using all of this energy to hold on to that anger, to constantly feel that resentment, that bitterness, that hurt, that anger. It's just going to poison you from the inside out.

It's going to steal your joy. You cannot be in a place of resentment and a place of joy at the same time. And that's why when I listen to this one person who speaks out a lot in the world of narcissism, this person is very well respected for speaking on this topic. And I find it incredibly frustrating in some ways, right? I do understand that a lot of people getting out of these narcissistic relationships, that's where they are.

and she's speaking to them and she's capturing that audience so well because they are fired up with that anger and that resentment and she fuels it with her rhetoric. She fuels it with what she says. She validates what they're feeling and she justifies why they're feeling that way and tells them it's okay. And listen, I would tell you the same exact thing. It is okay to feel the anger. It is okay to feel the resentment. It's okay to be hurt. It's okay to...

Corissa Stepp (15:18.338)
Go through a stage where you are blaming another person for what happened, for being angry at them. Absolutely, that is a part of the process of healing and recovering. But this person with their rhetoric keeps you stuck there, and that's why I find it frustrating. Because my mission is to move you beyond that so that you can get to a place of joy.

get to a place where you're able to open your heart and receive love and support once again in healthy relationships so that you don't totally put up these, know, mile high walls around your heart and never allow anyone else back in.

Corissa Stepp (16:05.592)
So.

If forgiveness is letting go of resentment, why would you not want to do that? She said something else that was really interesting. She said that there have been, there's been research and I don't know what this research is, I'd have to go back and look and kind of, you know, obviously do my own research and dig into it. But she mentioned that people, the research has shown that people who forgive others for transgressions that continue to repeat only harm the person who is offering the forgiveness more and more each time. And listen, I agree with that.

Because in some ways, every time you forgive someone for a transgression, if that behavior is continuing, what's happening is you're putting, you're basically whittling away your own power in some ways. If you're not then putting a stop to that behavior, right? Or setting a boundary with that behavior or taking space from that person.

Because what's gonna happen is if you have to stay in a relationship with a narcissist because you have children, because it was your parent or whoever it might be, granted, they're probably not gonna change and some of their behavior is going to persist. However, how you respond to it is how it's going to change the trajectory of the ongoing relationship with that person, right? If you know that your parent is a narcissist, every time you get into a conversation with them and they are,

crossing your boundaries, what do you do? You reassert, you reaffirm, you issue a consequence if you have to, and perhaps you walk away from the conversation.

Corissa Stepp (17:50.764)
which is gonna be different than perhaps in the past where maybe you would have just silently endured it. So maybe you forgave them for doing that time and time again, but every time it happened, you just sat there quietly and dealt with it or took it or allowed them to trigger you and get you all riled up. And as a result, I could see how that act of forgiveness is only disempowering you more because you are self abandoning, are self

abdicating in those moments by going back and putting yourself back into those situations time and time again. But if you're setting boundaries, if you are speaking up for yourself, if you're advocating for yourself, if you're telling someone that this behavior is not acceptable, this is not okay, this topic is off limits, you know, or you don't want to have that conversation because it's not appropriate, whatever it might be, that's not you self abdicating. That's not you giving away your power.

That's not you hurting yourself. That's actually you standing up for yourself. That's just empowering you, okay, instead of disempowering you. And every time you have that opportunity, the stronger and more confident and more courageous you're going to feel. That is a good thing.

So again, back to what I said earlier, forgiveness is a practice. You might have to continually work to forgive the narcissist's transgressions. And again, it's not because they deserve it. It's not that you are communicating that you forgive them. You are just letting go of the resentment. So how do you do that? You actually feel

to heal, you feel the emotions, you feel that anger, you feel that frustration, you get it out. I'm not saying to do that. I'm not saying to get yourself involved into a very heated, angry discussion or argument with the narcissist, because that's not going to be good for you, right? This comes down to having an internal boundary of processing your emotions away from them in a safe place.

Corissa Stepp (20:06.488)
where you can be vulnerable. Because the last thing you want to do is obviously give the narcissist any kind of fodder to continue to manipulate you, right? Or to...

Corissa Stepp (20:24.64)
abuse your vulnerability in some way. So the point is, is that even with ourselves, we have to practice self-forgiveness on a regular basis, which also means we're going to have to forgive the people who hurt us.

on a perhaps a continual basis if it is someone that you have to stay in contact with for whatever reason.

Corissa Stepp (20:56.162)
So those are my thoughts. I feel like I could keep talking about this, but I'd love to hear what you think. I'd love for you to drop me a comment. Let me know if you agree. Totally fine if you disagree as well. Happy to hear both sides. The point of this podcast is to incite a conversation. It is to inspire curiosity. It is to hopefully guide you into

a greater potential, right? To open up a pathway to healing, to love, to joy, to compassion.

and to reclaiming the parts of yourself that maybe feel really lost right now. And so if we have these conversations and we have these discussions, and I don't want this to be a one-way discussion, I want you involved.

So this year, 2025 for me is really more about building the community. This community, right? Communities for me locally in person is gonna be a big thing for me this year. But I really want you to be an active participant. So drop me a note, let me know what else you wanna hear for next season, what would be helpful for you, what kind of, you know, if there are any guests that you think I should have on the podcast, conversations you want me to have.

topics you want me to discuss, I'm open to hearing all of it. So until next time everyone, be well.